Have you ever met someone who just seems unshakable? No matter what life throws at them, they keep moving forward, they seem immune to setbacks. It makes you wonder — are some people just born hard, or is it a skill?
You’ve probably heard the phrase: Hard times create hard people, and soft times create weak people. There’s truth in that. But the real question is — Why? Do we simply succumb to what we’re born into, or do we have the power to change, despite it?
The Participation Trophy Problem
Somewhere along the way, society decided that losing was too painful, and we shouldn’t have to experience that. Overprotective parents, wanting to protect their kids from disappointment, pushed for participation trophies assuring that everyone was a winner. Sounds nice, right? But in reality, it robbed many kids of something crucial: the ability to handle setbacks and disappointment.
Think about it. When we strip away the natural process of winning and losing, we deny kids the opportunity to build resilience in a safe environment. If we never experience small losses — losing a game, failing a test, missing out on a prize — how can we possibly handle bigger failures as adults? Because we all know it’s coming.
Then, we grow up and enter the real world, and it happens — we face rejection:
- Sorry, no you didn’t actually win.
- You didn’t get the job, we’re going in a different direction.
- It’s not you, it’s me.
And we break. Why? Because no one ever taught us that losing isn’t the end — it’s normal, it’s a part of life.
The Rise of Emotional Instability
Without exposure to setbacks, we become overwhelmed by our emotions and respond with anger, frustration, or we start to see ourselves as a victim. Instead of learning from setbacks, we internalize them as personal attacks on us. The result? Emotional unstable. We either lash out at the world, blaming others for our misfortunes, or we become paralyzed, afraid to take risks because the failure just hurts too much.
But there is another way.
The Alternative
Consider leaders like Mahatma Gandhi and Nelson Mandela. If they had played the role of victims, whining about the unfairness of their situations, dwelling on their suffering, saying “Why me” — would the world remember them today? Probably not.
Instead, they embraced hardship, seeing and using it not as a setback, but as fuel. They understood a fundamental Stoic truth: We don’t control what happens to us, but we do control how we respond.
This mental shift is key. Resilience isn’t about avoiding pain or pretending it doesn’t exist. It’s about meeting challenges where they are, accepting them as part of life, and choosing to grow from them.
How to Build Resilience Like a Stoic
So, what’s the good news? Resilience isn’t something you’re either born with or without — it’s a skill you can develop. Here’s how:
- Expose Yourself to Small Discomforts
Avoiding the pain or discomfort makes us weak, or soft. Start small, take a cold shower, fast for a few hours, or skip a meal or snack, push yourself a little harder in workouts. These minor challenges help build the mental muscle of being uncomfortable, they train your mind to handle bigger ones when they show up. - Reframe Failure as a Teacher
Instead of seeing setbacks as personal failures, view them as lessons, or a test. Lost a job? Ask yourself, What can I learn from this? Got rejected? How can I improve? Every failure is just an opportunity for growth. - Control Your Narrative
Instead of saying, this is unfair, reframe your thought, how can I respond? The moment we shift from Why is this happening to me? to What can I do about it? We can reclaim our power. - Embrace the Stoic Mindset
The Stoics believed that suffering comes not from events themselves, but from our own thoughts or perceptions of them. A setback is only as bad as you decide it is. Train yourself to see obstacles as challenges rather than barriers.
Final Thoughts
We may not control the times we are born into, but we do control how we respond to them. Yes, hard times can forge strong people, but strength isn’t something that just happens — it’s built. And the good news? You can start building yours today.
So, the next time life knocks you down, ask yourself: Am I going to break? Or am I going to just get up, and keep going?